Why do we complain? And should we?

How beneficial is complaining to us?

When I think of complaining, I think about my friend Marc, who I’ve known since I was 11.

Marc is the best complainer I know. No one masters the art of complaining like he does. He once stated “People like it when I complain.” And I agree because there’s nothing funnier than sitting next to him on a plane with too little legroom in their seats.

But it did make me wonder: How beneficial is complaining to us?

Why do we complain?

Lately, I’ve started reading the book Chatter by Ethan Kross, an expert on self-talk.

According to Kross, our minds are filled with a constant stream of words. While reading this, take a moment to notice the thoughts running through your brain right now. What conversation are you having with yourself right now?

Our brain has a negativity bias: it tends to focus more on the unpleasant things in life. Therefore, the conversations in our heads can often spiral into rumination, worry, or hate.

In the 1980s, a Belgian psychologist named Bernard Rimé studied whether experiencing these negative streams of words would lead to talking about it.

And oh yes, it did.

The more negative thoughts and feelings, the more likely people were to talk about them. People could blab on about anything negative for hours, weeks, and months. It’s not just grumpy grandpas; complaining happens across all demographics.

The downside of complaining

Complaining pushes people away.

That is when someone excessively complains. We can only listen to a certain amount of complaining before reaching a threshold. Our ability to listen faints away and the complaining becomes a “social repellent” (as Kross calls it). That’s when we disconnect instead of connect.

Does this mean you shouldn’t express your negative thoughts and emotions?

No, no, no.

It means that the constant venting of negative thinking does not lead to more connection with your conversation partner. There is a difference between venting and over-venting.

Our relationships are meant to be built on equality and reciprocity. These fundamentals are violated when one always complains and the other one always listens.

This is why we need therapists. And why we pay therapists.

There is a time and a place to complain. And that time is not “always” or “right now”. It turns out that most negative thoughts will wash away anyway when we just let them be there without expressing them.

Do we keep complaining?

In conclusion, do we participate in the 30 days of no complaining?

When you’re complaining for comedic purposes, like my friend Marc, keep doing your thing (depending on how good the comedy is).

For others, a month of being aware of your complaining behavior could be good. Especially when you can distinguish whether you are seeking connection and support, or just want to complain for the sake of complaining.

My name is Ward and I support this 30-day challenge.

Let me know how it goes!